The following content is a parody. It is made after
this interview so it would make sense to read that one first. By any means this is not what Brian Coll nor Jay Paulus would have said, but what I in my artistic rambling invented as answers to the questions put by Lance Ulanoff of
pcmag.com.
This is for entertainment only and I am not claiming to be factually accurate. Lance Ulanoff (Question):
Let's start with 64-bit. For perhaps the first time in operating system history, average consumers are aware of the 64-bit choice and thinking about whether or not they need or want to use it. What does Apple and Microsoft bring to the table here?
Brian Coll (Apple): Well, we have this cool kernel that we taken from BSD, and we are based on a cross-platform UNIX. Not to mention our hardware pool it is quite small, and also we have our own packaging system. To migrate to 64 bit was quite painless. We did a great job about it, so we decided in the end to disable it by default.
Jay Paulus (Microsoft): We have two versions. D**n these years of compatibility to keep, they really choke us. And unlike Macs we give our customers options: The option, of reinstalling your Windows and all your other applications whenever you want to switch to 32bit to 64bit and back, is always on the table. We want people to have the chance to install Windows as many times as they want. This is what we call customer choice.
Lance Ulanoff (Question):
Modern computers now feature multicore CPUs. However, consumers aren't always sure if their operating systems or apps are taking full—or any—advantage of all those cores. What are you guys doing in the multicore space?
Brian Coll (Apple): You had to ask this, didn't you? To answer your question though, we provided an API so that the kernel can do threads instead of the developer. It's fantastic, I've heard about it yesterday from Steve, he was realy enthusiastic also. We suport one platform since we all know that cool people use one platform (namely Mac + iTunes).
Jay Paulus (Microsoft): Thank you for the question. Here we feel we've outdone ourselves: Not only that we have this very cool and technologically advanced hybrid-kernel that works on several platforms, including 64 bit, but we've traded a bit of security over here, a bit of performance and resource usage over there and in the end we got Vista which is perfect on the upgrade path to a much needed new PC and new hardware. And you can still get viruses.
Lance Ulanoff (Question):
Okay, let's step out from under the hood and talk about what consumers see on their desktops, specifically, the UI?
Brian Coll (Apple): Well, our customers are licking their screens since 2002. I think that said it right there. But still, if you want me to continue, dock is simply cool, we have cool effects that actually help you, we have Cover Flow to search for stuff and Time Machine which is integrated with your desktop seamlessly. And we know cool people use iTunes. You can even see the contents of the documents in the finder even if you can't possibly do anything with that file since you don't have an application installed to process it. Isn't that amazing? And we didn't yet found a way to convince game developers to consider our platform.
Jay Paulus (Microsoft): I think no company had the pressure that Microsoft had. We've tried to copy Apple since day one. Bill was telling me that the first day he listened to Steve Jobs, he has figured out on his own that the GUI is the future - without any Apple inspiration. So as I've said, we've tried to copy Apple but they are moving so d**n fast. They've added attachments, we copied attachments, by the time we finished they had multitasking, we copied multitasking, they had at that point skinable interfaces, we copied that, they came up with the finder, we finally done that and they have the time machine and the cover thingie? When is this going to end? This is getting ridiculous. We still have dlls, defragmentation and registries to fix, give us a break. As I've said, the pressure is fantastic.
Lance Ulanoff (Question):
Okay, let's talk about backup—something everybody needs, but no one really does. Windows Backup has been around for a long time, but isn't widely used. Apple's Time Machine arrived with Leopard and deep integration with the hardware. Where are we now with OS-based backup?
Brian Coll (Apple): Well thank you, thank you, thank you. Finally some justice! We have this really cool backup system. Is freakin amazing. You can literally destroy your Mac with a hammer after a backup, and then restore your backup on your brand new expensive Mac. Your data is there, your applications are there, you can do only partial backups, this is just cool. Neither me nor Steve don't know how is this done, but it is really cool.
Jay Paulus (Microsoft): Ok.... so.... Let me think a few seconds. (5 minutes later) Anyway, we have this program which is really awkward to use but we use it for marketing; it is named Previous Versions. You can still loose all your data, if your hard drive crashes, so yeah, it's pretty pointless but have no fear, you can allways use one of your 32bit or 64bit media that comes with the package to reinstall Windows and all your applications. You don't need to pay anything more, just reactivate Windows again after installation. This is what we call easy and painless. Or you can backup everything and in a matter of a few hours you can have your data stored in an external hard drive.
Lance Ulanoff (Question):
Perhaps one of the most stressful things users face is the act of upgrading their OS. With Windows 7 coming out, people will be making choices and possibly upgrading their OS. Mr. Croll, what's Apple's perspective on what's happening with Windows 7?
Brian Coll (Apple): Microsoft wants to milk their users of some serious cash. They've been drying for a few years now.
Lance Ulanoff (Question):
Jay?
Jay Paulus (Microsoft): Well, it took us eight years to come up with this stuff and tadaa... people don't want to buy it. This... this, is unacceptable man.
Lance Ulanoff (Question):
After years of integrating utilities and even full-blown apps from competing products in the operating system, or as part of the OS package, Microsoft made an about face this year and is letting end users decide whether or not they want to download Mail, Messenger, Movie Maker and other apps. Why?
Jay Paulus (Microsoft): This is the reason I don't travel to Europe. Ever. EU keeps freakin sueing us, saying we're a monopoly and this and that. How would you feel paying 1.4 billion dollars to EU? I thought so. We neither. It's already hard keeping up with Apple, Linux and all the stuff that they do, but multiple competitors? Come on, this is simply unfair. And Vista didn't really sold.
Lance Ulanoff (Question):
Brian how do you view the debundling of applications?
Brian Coll (Apple): Thank God EU is not on us on this one. We already have a lot of heat on the iPod-iTunes thinge. And I can say without a doubt that what Vista's approach of debundling applications is plain stupid. I don't get why they don't keep paying 2 million euros per day like they did before.
Lance Ulanoff (Question):
In the race to build the best operating system, where do each of you think you stand? What sets you apart?
Brian Coll (Apple): Well a thing I can say for sure that we really don't have games. One or two titles, but that's pretty much it. On the other hand we don't have Registry, DLLs, activation, defragmentation, viruses, etc. Another thing is that we tried and failed several times to enter the server market.
Jay Paulus (Microsoft): So what? We have registries, we have DLLs, and so what? We know they suck, but do you really had to bring them up? And let's not forget we also have this Previous Versions software where you can backup your DLLs, so it's not DLL Hell (TM) anymore; we improved this by a factor of ten so we name it DLL Hell XP (TM). XP is from eXPerience since we have over 15 years of DLLs and registries experience. And let's not forget, we don't talk about it. Very important. Plus we all know Apple is way too expensive. If I want a toaster I buy a toaster not a Ferarri that can also toast bread.
Lance Ulanoff (Question):
What about Mr. Croll's activation and technology comments?
Jay Paulus (Microsoft): Ups, it seems I've skipped this one, heh heh... We use the activation mechanism to be sure you don't have a pirated copy of Windows, or you upgrade your computer or components from it, without buying a new Windows license.
Lance Ulanoff (Question):
Let's talk about pricing. There are free operating systems out there, like Linux, but, as we can see from market share, free does not necessarily translate into mass-market adoption. How do the two of you see price and the OS?
Brian Coll (Apple): Well we believe in charging the user as much as we can. A new keyboard? 50 euros, an upgrade? 25 euros. I really think we've nailed down quite well.
Jay Paulus (Microsoft): In contrast to Apple, we believe in charging the user as much as we can. You will pay 200 bucks for your bare windows, and then you need to buy an antivirus, a video editor and so on. You can either buy our software or buy directly a computer from the "mini" series with XP installed on it in the same price range.
Lance Ulanoff (Question):
Okay, here's your opportunity to make your case for your OS. Mr. Paulus, why Windows?
Jay Paulus (Microsoft): Well we're changing the game since XP has launched. Every seven years or so we release a game changer version that offers our latest additions to keep up with Macs. And since Macs are simple, Windows 7 was also designed to be simple. So if it would be for me to sum it up in only one word, that would be it: Game Changer.
Lance Ulanoff (Question):
Brian?
Brian Coll (Apple): We've bundled more applications, and we've tied it with the iPhone since we want the industry to move forward. We've decided to do tiny upgrades and rebrand them with flashy names and tax them with flashy prices. If you look at what version we had ten years behind you will see real improvements and the thousand dollars price tags worth it.
Lance Ulanoff:
Thanks for your time guys, and have fun in the future.